The Grass is Greener on the Other Side
by Roxas-meh-Soxas
Summary: Wow... so apparently this is what happens when Ansem shows up at your school as a 'permanent' substitute teacher... High school from Riku's P.O.V. based on Kingdom Hearts.
1. Oh, How the Tide Turns

The Grass is Greener on the Other Side

By: Just Rikku

NOTE: Just so you know... this particular fan fic was thought up waaaaaay before Kingdome Hearts II... so the storyline follows... Kingdom Hearts.

Disclaimer: You know what? I don't own anything. Yup, nothing. Not even my soul. Sad, huh? Do not mourn for me. -Sobs- Oh, wait. I own… TOMATOES!!!!!! Mmmmm… Tomatoes good…

Chapter 1: Oh, How the Tide Turns

Walking down the road, I ran into Ansem… Yeah, him. The same one that supposedly had perished… WHY WON'T YOU JUST DIE!!!!??? Anyway, Ansem. He was in a pathetic state: cowering in a street gutter.

"Pathetic." I said as I shook my head, causing the perfection that is my hair to slide into my face.

"You know, you should really get over that phobia of yours." I said with a smirk. Here's my plan:

1)Pretend to feel sorry for that…ahem… guy.

2)Make his life as miserable as possible by surrounding him around that which he hates most.

3)Enjoy every second of it.

Yes, it's an ingenious plan to say the least. It's called Black Indigo Flame 2050 of subtext Alpha/Bravo/November/Golf or BIF2050ABNG. Ok, back to the story.

"Are you going to spend your whole life being afraid of a shrub?" I ask as I pick a leaf from the bush and hold it to his face. "AIIIIIYIIII" he screams as I walk away while laughing. I won't kick him while he's down… or won't I? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, at school, yup, me… at school. Hey, look it's Sora. I think… I'll go say hi…

"Hey, Sora."

"Hm?"

"Hello, Sora. I, Riku, have just greeted you."

"Oh, yeah, hi."

You know what? I don't like his tone. So I punched him in the arm, which caused him to step over onto some guy's foot, and he pushed Sora onto some chick. Yeah, his hands landed somewhere… Let's just say that little Sora learned a valuable lesson that morning. But… I was laughing too hard to know what it was…

So, here we are…in homeroom.

The left side of Sora's face was a vivid pink. I'm thinking it matches his personality perfectly. And with no teacher to stop me… I launch a barrage of spitballs at him. Nah, I'm just kidding. Believe it or not… we are best friends. The punching thing actually happened

The principal came bustling in. "Your regular homeroom teacher had… an accident. Here is his permanent replacement." The guy that came in after that had dark skin and silver hair in a ponytail, and… what the…? It's Ansem! I just saw him… in the gutter. (If you don't remember, start over.)

So, here I am, in homeroom, staring at the most…-gags- guy in the multiverse.(Oh, so you assume there is only one… verse… You people and your assumptions… -mumbles incoherently…)

Sora turned to me with the same expression. Although, I'm thinking my hair looks so much better than his.

"Yes, well, it is most… unfortunate that your teacher is… incapacitated."

Oh, I'm hating this already.

The bell rings and everyone filed out into the hallway.

"Maybe he's turned over a new leaf" Sora said while walking to social studies. And that made me think of this morning, which made me have to stifle a laugh.

" Believe me, he's up to something…" I said. As I finished that sentence, Selphie, the only other girl on the island, ran into me.

Seriously there is something wrong with, like everyone on the island. See look at this list that I made.

Selphie: an annoying little girl who gets a new crush every day.

Tidus: a twerp who won't shut-up about how great he is.

Wakka: EWWWW!

Kairi: Oh, I could go on and on about that little-

Sora: he just bugs me… Besides he is going out with that little-

Anyway, she said sorry, but I knew it was on purpose. I say that because she had a shirt that said IN BIG, BOLD LETTERS, "I heart Riku"

"Take that off!"

I said before I actually thought about it. And, yeah, let's just say Sora and I have matching facial marks…We make it to the door of social studies, when that little- I mean, Kairi walks up to us. She slaps Sora on the right side of his face and yells,

"You…PERV! Chelsea told me what you did!" And she stormed off.

"Great. Are you happy?" he muttered.

Actually… yeah. I was. But of course, I said I was sorry.

"I hope she doesn't stay mad…"

Man! Sora is like totally oblivious to the fact that we absolutely hate each other.

So, we enter the classroom, late of course. The teacher, who just so happened to belong to my web forum excused me, but she made Sora stand at the door holding a bucket full of water in each hand. And after about five minutes of standing there with his… limp, noodle arms, I felt sorry for him and bribed the teacher to let him sit down.

"Thanks,"

"You owe me,"

So it started to get boring, believe it or not. To pass the time, I played a game. The object is to stick as many things in Sora's hair as possible without him noticing. My record thus far is 18 things. But there is uncharted land yet to be explored. That's right I have maps of Sora's hair. In fact, I'm selling them on Ebay. They're titled "Sora's Hair: The Untamed Wilderness" ™ And I'm selling them for one million dollars. All the proceeds will go to… my swiss bank account. Nah, I'm kidding. Yeah, anyways, I got to 15 before Sora turned and glared at me. Luckily class was over, so I didn't have to entertain myself anymore.Whoa, time flies when you're annoying people.

TO CHEMISTRY!!!!!!!

Yeah, not only is that my least favorite subject, but that is Ansem's class. I shudder to think what is going to happen. When we got in, for once I was actually on time. ON TIME! And what does he do? The unthinkable, the unimaginable! He made me, yes me,hold a bucket of water in each hand. Sora was there too, of course. And what ticks me off isn't the fact that my arms were getting tired, because… they weren't. I don't have mucsles for nothing. But Sora… poor , poor noodle-arm Sora, was suffering. Really, I felt sorry for him. If anybody was going to make Sora suffer, it's me. And I'm thinking, "Oh, it's on…"

…_TO BE CONTINUED_

Yeah, well I'm a newbie… All, well most, of my friends helped me with this. Thanks! The next chapter will be up soon... hopefully...


	2. Karma

Chapter 2: Karma

By: Roxas-Meh-Soxas

Disclaimer: I never really expected to post this fic... but I did it anyways... why? Because I love you, that's why. I own no one in this chapter.

So, if you've been paying attention, I'm mad. Oh, Ansem, I know your weakness… Heh heh…When class lets out, I'm going to do something. But what? Maybe I should kick him in the shin, and taunt him, cause he can't legally kick me back… Yeah, that's a good plan. Cause, if he tries to take me to court, I'll just get everybody in the school to testify against him.

And after I sue him, for, whatever, and he's a dirty bum out on the street with no food and sleeps in a box that has a hole in one side, I still won't be happy unless I kick him everyday on the way to school. And everyday I see him, on that cold, wet pavement, I'd go over to him, and if he insults Sora or something, I'll say, "Oh, poor little homeless man, in your poor little box, and your poor, wet head. Here's a dollar. " But, if he insults me, I'll say, "Screw you. Your home leaks and has a hole in one side, and you're wet!"

Haha, that's great. Or maybe…

I'll just toture him with plants and trees. So, I'll skip forward, because I'm sure you don't want to hear what I think next… Curious? Okay, here, how's this: Yaoi scene between Sora and Ansem. Yeah, you're awake now, I bet.

Ewww… I just vomitted a little into my mouth, bad taste.So, I run for the nearest water fountain and I bump into Selphie.

"Riku, I want you to know that what you said was vulgar and-"

That's all I heard, cause I ran by her to the cafeteria. Oh, by the way, did I mention that Sora's been here the whole time? No? Well, he was. But, I tuned him out, cause he was talking about how his life is going to be over if Kairi dumps him.

I get to the cafeteria and, yeah, there's Ansem, eating… at lunch. I stopped to glare at him, cause… my glare is almighty. And… He didn't notice…

Is he CRAZY?!

Oh, wow, I just thought of the perfect thing…

"What if she dumps me for… that one guy… with the hair?"

Oh, yeah… Sora's still here… I was wondering what that annoying sound was… Okay… skipping ahead a couple of hours… And here we are, after school… Yes, me, Sora, and Kairi… What the hell? Kairi? Hmm… I guess they made up… Crap… Yeah, well, my plan…

1) Find Ansem

2) Knock him uconscious with a fish(weapon of choice)

3) Dump him on an island with shrubery everywhere

4) Tie him to a tree

5) Watch him from a safe distance via camcorder.

Yes, I must say, this is my best plan yet. I christen it…(drum roll) ………………………………………………….. Omega Plan 2051 of subtext Alpha/Bravo/Charlie/Golf or OP2051SABCG. Isn't it beautiful? -sniffle-

Anyway, we found Ansem, somewhere. I don't know… I made Sora do all the work.

So we, meaning Sora, haul him onto our raft thing, you know, to get him to the island. I made Kairi steer with the rudder. This is how it went:

"Ok, Left; no your other left, now wiggle it to the right a little… not that far!

Ok, you know what? This isn't working. Get off!"

And I pushed her off of the raft. Ha, that was great. But now, Sora won't stop nagging me. "Calm, down. She was raised on an effin island, I'm pretty sure she can swim."

So now Sora is steering:

"Now, right, okay. Left. Wow, you're better at this than Kairi was. H-hey, You did that on purpose! I don't trust you. I'm holding on th the sides."

And after about 10 minutes of this, I pull out a sleek, silver and blue remote, push a button, and a speedboat of the same color pulls up beside the raft. I order Sora to drag Ansem into the boat. That caused the raft to tip and Sora fell into the sea. And I sped off, leaving him in the water.

…_TO BE CONTINUED_

Wow, this was a short chapter! I actually wrote this about a year ago and didn't realize till just now how short it really was… I apologize! I'm gonna try and make sure ch. 3 is longer!


	3. Who Needs Sanity?

Chapter 3: Who needs sanity?

By: Just Rikku

YES!!!! My plan is in motion! Steps 1 and 2 of OP2051SABDG complete! On to step threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I made it to that island, and I found the biggest tree on the island and tied him to it. Before he woke up, I set a camcorder up, right in front of him. I went back to the luxury of my speedboat. Did I mention it has a fridge, color T.V. fully equipped with a PS2 and a copy of Kingdom Hearts And a comfy bed?

No?

Well, it does. So, I had to wait about twenty minutes before he woke up. And when he did, let me tell you, it was great. First, I learned two new things about him:

1)Ansem is afraid of loud sounds.

2)And he developed short term memory loss from that blow to the head with a fish(weapon of choice)

Now, as I was saying, when he woke up, it took a while for him to notice the fact that he was surrounded by green shrubbery. It was great; first he screamed, then he spooked himself from his own voice. And after an hour of his continous screaming, he fell asleep. Heh… After he was asleep for another 20 minutes, he awoke again, and… it began all over again..

So skipping a day … Lalalala… namunamunamu… heh, namu… what's that? Yeah, done. So I am at school, of course. Here else would I be? At your mom's house? You know it… AHEM. Sora and Kairi are at it… again. Guess what? It's all over me! Yes, I am the center of attention, once more!

"Sora, if I'm going to be your girlfriend, Riku has to go!"

Man, I hate her face…

"But he didn't mean it! He must have pushed you on accident…"

Ah, yes. Poor, poor naïve little Sora…Yeah… to make a long story short… Kairi dumped him… again. And Sora's going crazy.

"She's going out with that guy! With the hair! I think I'm going to kill myself…"

See? Crazy. Well, who else better to interrupt Suicidal Sora's Story(Try saying that five times fast) than Selphie? But this time she wasn't wearing an "I heart Riku" shirt. Oh no, this time it said, "I heart Wakka" .

I think she just raped my eyes… That's just wrong. Wrong, disguisting, twisted, sick ummm, well I'm out of good adjectives… but you get the gist of it right?

"Riku, I just wanted to tell you that I'm over you."

I smirked and said, "No. I'm over you."

She blinked at me and said, "Anyway, there are other fish in the sea."

"Riiiight, but none of those fish are as sexy as me," She rolled her eyes, wheeled around and walked away.

So we're on our way to World History and we spot Kairi walking with that guy… with the hair. You know what his hair isn't perfect, but it's close… too close, in fact… hmmm… me and Hair-Boy need to… talk. So I walked up to him.

"What do you want, Riku?" Kairi said in a "get away from me or I'll cut you" tone.

"Nothing," I said in a"Ha, silly rabbit, I have a flamethrower, and flamethrowers always win" tone.

Then I punched Hair-Boy in the face and said "Never again!" in a "Ha! I just punched you and you don't know why" tone as I ran off towards class, Sora following of course.

I bet I could jump off a cliff and he'd follow me… only I'd cheat and have a jet-pack or something and he would fall to his death…

Anyways, while running to my class some school… security… woman yelled at us--I mean at Sora.

Who would yell at me?

Unless you were a screaming fangirl or fanboy. So she escorted Sora to class, I was following,

"You know you're not supposed to be running in the halls." She scolded Sora.

"But, he was running, too." Sora pipped.

"I didn't see him running." The Security… Lady Person snapped.

"Wha? He was ahead of me!"

"Were you running, Riku?" she looked up at me.

"No, why would I run in the hall, when walking gets me where I have to be?" I said "innocently". Sora cast a reproachful look in my direction. How dare he look at me… with those poopy-brown cesspool eyes..

Payback.

So, when we got to our class, the lady-person left us to go to her post, or whatever.

"Hey, you…" -thwack-

"What was that for?" he said rubbing his head

"I needed to vent my anger…"

We entered the classroom and Sora had to hold the buckets-o'-water again.

While I got comfortable in a chair next to the window, I sighed and ran my fingers through my silvery hair. And the picture froze to imply that moments like that should go on forever…

Anyway I was staring out the window and I saw Ansem moving between buildings all secret-agent style outside…

AHA! I _knew_ that idiot was up to something.

So I find some excuse to miss like the whole day cuz I'm good like that. Sora's coming too. 

We were going down the hall and there was Kairi again. Is she following us or something? She glared at me and in doing so… didn't see that the floor was wet and slipped. Blood covered her oversized head and spilled onto the floor in an oh-so-satisfying -splat splat splat-

Sora gasped and I laughed.

"Riku, stop laughing and help me help her!" -splat splat splat-

"C'mon she'll live." -splat splat splat-

Then a nice long silence interrupted by -splat splat splat- every four seconds ensued.

"Stop kidding around," Sora said. -splat-

Eh? I think her head is actually out of blood. Wow… you'd think that her head would be able to hold more than that… Ah… well.

"Fine, get her feet and I'll get her big ass head…"

So we're lugging her lifeless body down to the nurse and we see Aerith the Hall Monitor.

She held her hand out and said,

"Where's yer pass?" Sora looked at me all nervous-like. I, being the cunning fox I am, thought of the perfect way to bypass our little Texan friend here…

"Say, Aerith, did you use a new conditioner or something cause your hair looks…er, vibrant."

"Why, thank ya, that was mighty nice of yer. In fact, that wus nicer 'n a fat bug fanning a cat on the fourth of July in the middle of the desert in the middle of a drought eating a donut that he got that morning from Krispy Kreme, where it saw a dog drinking coffee with a bit o' martini, shaken not stirred, who hates cats and saw the one staring at it and became infuriated at his rudeness 'n knocked him out in public 'n took him to his house where he sexually assaulted him then took him to a random desert and abandoned him."

Wow… that was… interesting…

"Glad you think so. But it's true. "

"Aw, yer hair looks it's mighty best, too"

"Thank you…" And this went on for several minutes before Sora finally said,

"Will you guys hurry? Kairi's lost a lot of blood." And that started Aerith back up:

"My, that was mighty rude o' yer. It wus ruder n' a moose killing his girlfriend on a frosty night, while else where, his friend's gettin' laid by a woman who is really a man who works at that one Krispy Kreme…"

What's her fascination with animals?

I recognized this as a chance to sneak by her. It actually worked! None could be the wiser! We got pretty far before hearing: "Gosh dangitt!!!!! Y'all done tricked me, again!"

But of course by that time we weren't that far from the nurse's office… place.

Just… a little… farther…

Damn, Kairi's head is heavy… It's like… 25 pounds. And that's about half her entire body weight. Good, we're here… Sora gently set her down, and I kinda just dropped her head…

"Who do we have here?"

"Ah, just a stuck-up whore with a big ass head…"

"Okay…" the nurse said as she scribbled what I had just said on a clipboard.

After we were sitting there for a good 10 minutes, she finally concluded that Kairi was internally bleeding, and suffered from head trauma. And now she has the mental capacity of a retarded monkey baby. Oh, what fun!

…_TO BE CONTINUED _

See? It was a little longer… by like three pages!… well more like two… I don't really think that this last page counts… unless I write a really long author's note… which I won't… But if I did… oh, the possibilities would be endless. By the way, does your computer ever tell you that you spelled something wrong but it won't give you the way it's supposed to spelled and you always thought that it was spelled in that particular way? It happens to me all the time.


End file.
